Don't Let Your "But" Hang Out

Have you ever had someone apologize by saying something like "I am really sorry 'but'...."? In our culture where blame has so pervasively replaced personal responsibility, I see this most poignantly when people attempt to apologize for their own behavior. Often times instead of taking full responsibility for one's actions, we tend to let our 'but' hang out there and that simple little word has such power because it automatically erases our apology, and whatever we say after that little word is simply a rationale to excuse our behavior; and it leaves the offended still feeling offended.

This is such a part of human behavior and it dates back to the very beginning. Adam and Eve were the first to blame and excuse their wrong behavior. Adam and Eve, when confronted with their wrong behaviors blamed God, blamed each other and blamed the serpent. They offered no sincere apology or regret for their behavior. Ever since then humanity has followed this lead. (Yes, some of you might suggest, "Adam and Eve never used the actual word 'but' in their failed apology to God." This is true, but I suggest that the 'but' is implied and perhaps since they were only covered by fig leaves, their 'but' was already sticking out a bit.)

However, I am not blaming Adam and Eve, otherwise, I'd be doing the same thing. Instead I need to look at myself. When I apologize to my wife or my kids, to my parents, my neighbors, my coworkers or even the person in line at the grocery store, do I let my 'but' hang out? Do I accept full responsibility for my behavior without qualification or rationalization?

This new year and new decade I offer some simple suggestions when apologizing.

1. Thoroughly confess what you did wrong. (this is humbling, but essential to be thorough)
2. Do not use the word 'but' anywhere in your apology
3. Express your regret for how it must have made the other feel. (this requires entering into the other's word and consider the impact of our behavior)
4. Don't tell the other that you are sorry, simply ask for forgiveness (this takes you as the offender out from a position of control and by asking the other for forgiveness, you allow the one you offended to be in control. Scary isn't it?)

What would the world be like if we all committed to not let our 'but' hang out? What would be the impact on future behavior? Would relationships be safer? How would it affect politicians? How would it affect my interactions. Would my marriage improve or decline? What would have happened if Adam and Eve practiced this? Such a simple thing can have such a significant impact? What are your thoughts?

Sorry this is so long, but I had a lot to say. Sorry if you find the usage of the word 'but' offensive, but I thought it was funny and effective. Sorry I am not practicing what I have just suggested in these apologies, but it takes time to put this into practice.

Brett